Sometimes I Want to Give Up

Yep. Can I just be real with you for a minute?

Sometimes I want to give up.

Are mothers who blog about homeschooling allowed to say that?? Well, this momma is.

I read all these other blogs with whimsical ideas about teaching fractions and these beautiful portrayals of life as a homeschool mother where children are treasures (and they are!) that should be cherished (and I do!) and they seem like they've just got it all together. Have you ever read these blogs? You know, the kind that is quite encouraging but at the same time make you feel just a little bit ashamed of your lack of craftiness or organization or teaching abilities, etc. The kind that, though I respect them and love their ideas, they often make me too afraid to admit that sometimes this homeschooling stuff is just overwhelming. And some days I just really want to quit...

Those days when my 15 month old twins are screaming and clawing at me for my undivided attention while I am attempting to get my 6 year old to write the state capitals although she has went on her version of "strike" when it comes to doing anything that is related to school. She is brilliant and yet the most stubborn girl I've ever met (I don't know where she gets it!) and it is maddening to fight with her to do even 45 minutes of schoolwork. And at the same time my son is on the computer doing "school" and I feel so guilty for just sitting him at the computer and not giving him the same attention and teaching that I did with my oldest. So I jump up and stop everything to look at everything that he wants to show me every 30 seconds because I don't want him to feel left out. But every time I check on him my oldest stops working and I have to get her back on track. And then I turn around to see mounds of laundry that I don't have time to fold, more laundry in baskets yet to be washed, the sink full of dishes, the kids are hungry, the dog is barking, the air smells of a poopy diaper, the carpet is stained beyond belief, the toys are scattered all over the house, the table is sticky, the twins are still screaming and clawing, I don't have anything to make for lunch and I. Just. Lose. It. I explode and yell and say  with tears in my eyes, "I can't do this!!"

Are you still with me or am I the only one?

I feel so completely overwhelmed that for that moment I feel unable to do the task that is set before me. Like I've made a mistake. I feel like I cannot homeschool and that I should just give up and send them away to school. I feel like Shrek when he yells "I AM AN OGRE" and the puppy runs away yelping; only my children are the ones crying and I'm yelling "I'M THE TEACHER!" And then I am overcome with guilt for not being that ever-loving, quiet-spirited, nurturing mother I want to be.

And it's only a few hours later that God reminds me with His still small voice that homeschooling may be impossible for me, but nothing is impossible for Him (Mark 10:27)! That yes, it is too hard, it is overwhelming, and it is impossible in my own strength. But that with God, it may still be hard and at times overwhelming, it is not impossible to homeschool my children and raise them to be smart, kind, God-fearing and compassionate young people; to cherish them as the treasures they are.

So on those days that you feel like giving up, just know that you are not the only one. If only me, at least you know there is one other momma in the universe who struggles from time to time with feelings over inadequacy, frustration, and fear. And that just like me, you can find your strength in the Lord, Jesus Christ, to keep going another day!

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
hey shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah40:28-31

Don't give up. I didn't.
Bye for now,
Kristina

Why I Taught my 6yr old & 4yr old About Abortion...

... and other topics that are "taboo" to discuss with children....

Unborn baby at 24 weeks gestation... can legally be aborted.

Well, I have a few reasons. For starters, I've never really been good at lying. I don't do well with telling my children that Santa is real or that their broccoli will give them super human strength. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy pretend play time and I love good fiction/fantasy based movies like Lord of the Rings or The Avengers! I'm not anti-pretending. But there's just something about lying to my kids that doesn't sit well with me. And maybe I'll pay dearly for it in the end, but for now, it really seems to spark trust and good communication between me, my husband, and our children. They aren't afraid to ask us anything and they know that we will answer them, to the best of our ability and without being too age inappropriate, with the truth. Truth is very important to me. And I hope that I am instilling in my little ones the love of truth. So that's one reason we've already talked about hard topics like abortion, slavery, drugs, addictions, homosexuality, divorce, pornography (not in too much detail, but the basic idea of looking at women without their clothes on), etc. If it comes up (they hear something on the news or hear someone talking about it), we discuss it as a family. We talk about what it is, what God says about it, and what our family believes. The dinner table is a great conversation tool :)

Another reason I've taught my children about abortion and other hard topics is because I want them to learn the truth; not someone else's opinion. I don't want them to just believe whatever people tell them. I want them to ask questions, to use critical thinking, to compare that with Scripture and form a decision based on truth. Too often we let society mold the minds of our little ones into something that doesn't reflect what God values or His Truth. When we discuss difficult topics, we don't just say... A is bad because of B. We talk to them about both sides. This is what A is. This is why people believe A is OK. What do you think? What does the Bible say? When we discussed abortion, I told my kids the facts. There are a lot of people in our world today that think it's OK to kill a baby inside its mommy's tummy. Some women don't think it's human, like it's just "almost" a baby. Some women think that a baby isn't human until it's born. In fact, our President believes that a baby inside a mommy's tummy isn't human until after it is born. Some women think that babies are a burden, that they are too hard to deal with, too expensive, come at the wrong time, etc. Some women get very sick when they are pregnant and sometimes doctors tell mommies that the baby is very sick and it would basically be better off dead than to be born with problems. Some women are forced to kill their babies because the daddy was very mean to them or the grandparents are worried what people will think of the mommy if she's not married. There are many reasons why a mommy might choose to kill her baby. Do you think any of these are good reasons?

Guess what? It didn't take a long debate where my children weighed out all the reasons why they should be pro-life or pro-death. No. They answered in a split second, "there's never a good reason to kill your baby!!" They came up with that answer. On their own. My daughter was absolutely blown away that there is even this thing called abortion. Like it can't even be a real thing that people would kill babies. And yet it's rampant. We have not sheltered them from the Gosnell trial either. In fact, we have discussed it openly with them. I have, however, spared them the grisly photos. But they know who he is, what he did, why he's on trial, and so forth. My daughter and I sat and cried together as we were sorrowful over our societies lack of value for life. It broke her heart. And some of you may say, "why would you let her know this!? Why wouldn't you save her a few more years of innocence?" Well, because it's happening now. This is the moment when our country will either convict Gosnell and prove they have any a shred of conscience left or they will let him walk and prove that our country truly does not value life at all any more. We want our children to value life. We told them to value something is to think it's special. To want to take care of it and keep it safe; like something that you cherish. We spent several weeks teaching them about what God values and why. God values all human life including the unborn, those who are slaves (including those who are sex-trafficked), the elderly, orphans, and those who are handicapped and deformed. A great number of these that our society (by means of abortion, euthanasia, or turning a blind eye) would rather get rid of. Gosnell does not value life. Abortionists do not value life. President Obama does not value life. And it's easy for children to fall into that same mindset if we don't teach them to value the things God values.

As homeschoolers (and even as PARENTS) we have the opportunity, no, the responsibility to teach our children the hard truths, even when it seems too difficult to discuss. How can we teach our children to have courage in the face of difficulty if we can't do it ourselves? How can we teach our children to stand up for what is right if we shy away from any conflict that may be offensive or politically incorrect? How can we teach our children to grow up to have strong convictions if we can't stand on our own? I don't want to raise children who are afraid to speak, afraid of what others think of them, afraid to fight for what is right. I want them do to exactly as Joshua 1:9 says... be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go! I don't want to wait until the issue comes before them to make a choice and we haven't prepared them. There's no time to be timid in this world we're living in. 

Yesterday I had Savanna do a mini-report on abortion. I gave her the writing prompt, "I think abortion is..." and asked her to write something. I told her to think about why people get abortions and what you think about that. I did not tell her what to say. This is what she wrote...

With her report on abortion

She also drew a picture of an unborn baby at 10 weeks gestation (I looked up a picture from online for her to copy). She made note that the baby had little arms and legs already, you could see where her eyes and ears were, and she even had a smile! (I say "she" because Savanna drew a little bow on her head and said "it's a girl!!")

Her drawing of a baby at 10 weeks

So, there you have it. You may think I'm crazy, I know. But my husband and I believe we are raising children that will know the truth, love the Lord, and courageously value what God values. I hope you will find encouragement in that as you are faced with these difficult topics with your children.

Bye for now,
Kristina

I Cannot Come Down

Ok I know I'm really pushing it with writing a third time today! But I have a terrible toothache and I need a good distraction. Besides I've been debating on writing this particular blog for a few days so you'll just have to give me some grace :)

$16,231.

That was our adjusted gross income for 2012.

$16,231.

For our family of six.

Now, I'm not telling you this information because I want to brag about how great of a saver I am; because honestly, I'm not. I'm telling you this information because I want to encourage you that it really is possible to be a stay-at-home momma who homeschools on a budget and still has a fantastic time doing so! My kids don't know that we were well below the poverty line last year. They think we're the richest family in America. And that's because MONEY doesn't define our family. Money doesn't give our family value, God does. And GOD provides. With such little income in today's world, you can easily see that God certainly provided for us in abundance last year (and every year!).

I just want to encourage all you momma's out there who are thinking, "How can we do this? How can we survive?" All you momma's who feel condemned and guilt-ridden because you don't have a so-called "real job" and you don't bring in much, if any income. All you momma's out there who are feeling like maybe you made a mistake by choosing to stay home and homeschool. I want to encourage you and say that YOU ARE DOING A GOOD WORK. No amount of money, or name-brand clothes, or the coolest new toys, or iPods and tablets will ever have more value in the life of your child than the character you're cultivating, the love you're nurturing, the wisdom you're instilling, and the relationship you're building with your children. I repeat, YOU ARE DOING A GOOD WORK.

Sometimes I get discouraged when I see the numbers... $16,321... and I think, "I need to go get a job!!" I try to take the financial burden of our family and place it over my head.  I let it weigh me down. I let the enemy whisper lies about my inadequacy as a wife. I let my thoughts run wild over my failures as a mother. I question my ability to teach and whether I'm letting my kids' education go to waste. I get so anxious about proving that I'm doing something notable with them that I forget to be in the moment with them. Sometimes I get so discouraged that I just want to cry and give up. And then my husband reminds me of this little truth...I am doing a good work. He reminds me of Nehemiah. Remember him? He took on this monumental task of rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. Yeah. Heavy stuff. This was no easy job. Not to mention, he had enemies that didn't want him to succeed. And there is a specific story in chapter 6 where Nehemiah is up on the wall, hammerin' away, and a group of his enemies try to get him to come down. Nehemiah responds like this in vs. 3, "I am doing a great work and I cannot come down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and come down to you?” Hmmm. I am doing a great work, I cannot come down. My husband often tells me that I am like Nehemiah. I am taking on this monumental task of educating our children. Yeah. Heavy stuff. It's no easy job. And the enemy does not want me to succeed. And sometimes when I'm teachin' away, the enemy tries to get me to come down from that homeschooling wall and tries to distract me from that good work; whether through our lack of finances, tension with my husband, children who won't stay focused or just-don't-get-it, unsupportive friends or family, or pure exhaustion. The enemy does not want me to succeed in this good work because he knows it will result in four brilliantly kind people who love the Lord and want to serve Him. 

So yeah, sometimes it feels impossible. I look at this thing called homeschooling and I see the walls of Jerusalem. How are we ever going to get this done!? And then I am reminded that through God ALL THINGS are possible. Jesus is the Sustainer and it is only by His grace that we make it from year to year. Financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally. It is only by His grace. Nehemiah finished the wall. In record breaking time I might add :) And through Christ, we can do this. So when you start to feel discouraged, remember that YOU ARE DOING A GOOD WORK.

Bye for Now,
Kristina