Sometimes I Want to Give Up

Yep. Can I just be real with you for a minute?

Sometimes I want to give up.

Are mothers who blog about homeschooling allowed to say that?? Well, this momma is.

I read all these other blogs with whimsical ideas about teaching fractions and these beautiful portrayals of life as a homeschool mother where children are treasures (and they are!) that should be cherished (and I do!) and they seem like they've just got it all together. Have you ever read these blogs? You know, the kind that is quite encouraging but at the same time make you feel just a little bit ashamed of your lack of craftiness or organization or teaching abilities, etc. The kind that, though I respect them and love their ideas, they often make me too afraid to admit that sometimes this homeschooling stuff is just overwhelming. And some days I just really want to quit...

Those days when my 15 month old twins are screaming and clawing at me for my undivided attention while I am attempting to get my 6 year old to write the state capitals although she has went on her version of "strike" when it comes to doing anything that is related to school. She is brilliant and yet the most stubborn girl I've ever met (I don't know where she gets it!) and it is maddening to fight with her to do even 45 minutes of schoolwork. And at the same time my son is on the computer doing "school" and I feel so guilty for just sitting him at the computer and not giving him the same attention and teaching that I did with my oldest. So I jump up and stop everything to look at everything that he wants to show me every 30 seconds because I don't want him to feel left out. But every time I check on him my oldest stops working and I have to get her back on track. And then I turn around to see mounds of laundry that I don't have time to fold, more laundry in baskets yet to be washed, the sink full of dishes, the kids are hungry, the dog is barking, the air smells of a poopy diaper, the carpet is stained beyond belief, the toys are scattered all over the house, the table is sticky, the twins are still screaming and clawing, I don't have anything to make for lunch and I. Just. Lose. It. I explode and yell and say  with tears in my eyes, "I can't do this!!"

Are you still with me or am I the only one?

I feel so completely overwhelmed that for that moment I feel unable to do the task that is set before me. Like I've made a mistake. I feel like I cannot homeschool and that I should just give up and send them away to school. I feel like Shrek when he yells "I AM AN OGRE" and the puppy runs away yelping; only my children are the ones crying and I'm yelling "I'M THE TEACHER!" And then I am overcome with guilt for not being that ever-loving, quiet-spirited, nurturing mother I want to be.

And it's only a few hours later that God reminds me with His still small voice that homeschooling may be impossible for me, but nothing is impossible for Him (Mark 10:27)! That yes, it is too hard, it is overwhelming, and it is impossible in my own strength. But that with God, it may still be hard and at times overwhelming, it is not impossible to homeschool my children and raise them to be smart, kind, God-fearing and compassionate young people; to cherish them as the treasures they are.

So on those days that you feel like giving up, just know that you are not the only one. If only me, at least you know there is one other momma in the universe who struggles from time to time with feelings over inadequacy, frustration, and fear. And that just like me, you can find your strength in the Lord, Jesus Christ, to keep going another day!

"Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
hey shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah40:28-31

Don't give up. I didn't.
Bye for now,
Kristina